consciously. Create a life that you love. Attract the loving relationship
that is "right" for you.
Topic: Admit and Commit
you’ve each enjoyed some delicious moments of relaxation over
the past two months! One of the high points of my summer was taking
part in a week-long Couples Enrichment Program with my husband,
Jim. I particularly enjoyed hearing the different stories of how
each couple had met and married.
listening to them and thinking about the many singles I know, what
struck me is this: how important it is to give time and attention
to your relationship, at every stage of it’s unfolding. And
what singles often forget is that the first stage begins before
two people actually meet!
is the stage which many of you are in -- that of bringing your relationship
into being -- the creation stage. Many of you are conscientiously
doing both inner and outer work, to make way for a loving relationship
to emerge in your life.
inspired by the determination and conscious intention of many singles
that I know. It is easy for me to believe that they will succeed
in their quest for relationship, when I see their willingness to
look at themselves honestly and their courageous commitment to learn
Life & Relationship Coach
Something to think about…
difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's
(or woman’s) determination."
what does it take to create a conscious, loving relationship?
and therapists, Gaye and Kathleen Hendricks have been writing and
talking about this topic for many years. The Hendricks are an inspiring
couple who have devoted themselves to helping others succeed in
relationship. In their CD Program, The Relationship Solution,
they identify three shifts that it is important
to make if you are single and want to experience a conscious, loving
ADMIT that you really want a conscious, loving
2. COMMIT TO HAVING a conscious, loving relationship.
3. Commit to DOING WHATEVER WORK ON YOURSELF IS NECESSARY
to have it.
like to expand on each one of these shifts and offer you questions
to use for reflection about yourself. These steps may sound obvious
on the surface. However, I believe that many singles never consciously
take them, missing out on the power they can provide. Here’s
the first one:
1. ADMIT that you really want a conscious, loving relationship.
caused by false pride or fear of failure, some singles find actually
ADMITTING that they want a relationship the hardest step of all.
Or they think that such an admission implies that they must have
an unhappy single life – which is often not the case.
course it is possible to have a wonderful, satisfying life as a
single person. However, if you also desire a loving relationship,
your chances of having it will increase dramatically if you are
able to admit that you really want it. How can another person (or
the universe!) give us what we haven’t asked for? Admitting
what we want opens us up to receiving it.
concluding that you’ve already got this one down pat, ask
yourself the following questions and see what you discover:
Have I admitted (to someone other than myself) that I deeply desire
a loving relationship?
Have I let myself “feel” that desire?
Do I protect myself from the disappointment of not having a relationship,
by never fully admitting how much I want one?
Do I think it’s pathetic/uncool/needy to admit how much I
want a relationship?
Do I find myself defending “what a great life I have…..why
would I want a relationship?”
Am I too proud or embarrassed to admit that I want a relationship?
what you want will ignite your passion and determination to create
it. And it will open your mind and your heart to receive it.
2. COMMIT to having a conscious, loving relationship.
of this step is often over-looked when it comes to the topic of
relationship. Hope springs eternal that true love will “just
happen”. However, few goals that are truly worth achieving
can be accomplished without first committing to them. Despite
past experience and our very best research, we can never know
in advance everything that will be required of us to accomplish
our goal. Our greatest achievements rarely come with a fail-safe
“to-do” list of instructions. We need to commit ourselves
FIRST and be open to discovering the “how” along the
Here are some
questions to help you reflect on whether or not you’ve ever
made a conscious commitment to having the relationship of your
Do I take the passive “maybe-it will-happen-I’ll-just-wait-and-see”
approach to creating a relationship?
Do I view having a relationship as a matter of “luck”
Do I hesitate to commit to having a relationship because I might
Do I hesitate to commit to having a loving relationship because
I don’t know how?
Do I think it’s “unromantic” to even have to
think about it?
Have I really committed to having a conscious, loving relationship?
Once you make
a commitment to having the relationship you desire, the way opens
to the people and resources that can empower you in having it
Commit to doing WHATEVER WORK ON YOURSELF IS NECESSARY to have
This is the step where the rubber meets the road. Committing is one
thing. DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT is another! Committing to doing whatever
work on yourself is necessary, is sort of like writing a blank cheque.
You don’t know what that may involve and you’re committing
to do it anyway.
may seem scary, it can also mark the beginning of a very exciting
and satisfying personal journey! I have seen single clients improve
their lives in all areas, in the process of doing their work around
decides what work on yourself is necessary? You do. And if you’re
smart, you’ll let others support you in the process. Some
of the singles I know have taken such action as:
• Reducing work hours, so there is time to date.
• Seeing a therapist to resolve a past relationship hurt.
• Signing up with an introduction service.
• Improving their dating skills and attitudes.
has their own work to do. If you are committed, you can discover
what you need to do and take action.
the following questions to find out how open or resistant you may
be to doing the work on yourself that’s needed:
Do I tend to blame my past relationship failures on my partners
and think that they need to work on themselves, not me?
I get frustrated and want to give up when I don’t get immediate
results around dating?
Am I secretly hoping that I can get what I want in life without
having to stretch or make changes?
Am I tired of “working on myself”?
Am I committed (really) to doing whatever work on myself is necessary
to have a conscious, loving relationship?
Being committed to “doing your own work” is not only
important prior to getting into relationship. It is also an essential
element of ensuring that your relationship will flourish healthily
in the future.
public with your commitment! Admit to a trusted friend that you
REALLY WANT a loving, conscious relationship and you are committed
to doing whatever work on yourself it will take to have it. Let
them know how they can support you.
Vollett, BSW is a Life & Relationship Coach who loves to support
and encourage singles in their quest to have a satisfying, successful
life AND relationship.
you are wondering what next steps you could take in your quest for
a relationship, contact firstname.lastname@example.org
to receive a free Relationship Readiness Review and a Complimentary
Coaching Session with Shirley. Type “Readiness Review”
in the subject line.
newsletter may be forwarded in full without special permission provided
it is used for nonprofit purposes and full attribution and copyright
notice are given. For any other purposes, contact email@example.com.
© 2005 by Shirley Vollett.
All rights reserved.