Today’s Topic: Admit and Commit

Dear friends,

I hope you’ve each enjoyed some delicious moments of relaxation over the past two months! One of the high points of my summer was taking part in a week-long Couples Enrichment Program with my husband, Jim. I particularly enjoyed hearing the different stories of how each couple had met and married.

In listening to them and thinking about the many singles I know, what struck me is this: how important it is to give time and attention to your relationship, at every stage of it’s unfolding. And what singles often forget is that the first stage begins before two people actually meet!

This is the stage which many of you are in -- that of bringing your relationship into being -- the creation stage. Many of you are conscientiously doing both inner and outer work, to make way for a loving relationship to emerge in your life.

I am inspired by the determination and conscious intention of many singles that I know. It is easy for me to believe that they will succeed in their quest for relationship, when I see their willingness to look at themselves honestly and their courageous commitment to learn and grow.

Shirley Vollett, BSW
Life & Relationship Coach

"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a man's (or woman’s) determination."
— Tommy Lasorda

So what does it take to create a conscious, loving relationship?

Authors and therapists, Gaye and Kathleen Hendricks have been writing and talking about this topic for many years. The Hendricks are an inspiring couple who have devoted themselves to helping others succeed in relationship. In their CD Program, The Relationship Solution, they identify three shifts that it is important to make if you are single and want to experience a conscious, loving relationship:

1. ADMIT that you really want a conscious, loving relationship.
2. COMMIT TO HAVING a conscious, loving relationship.
3. Commit to DOING WHATEVER WORK ON YOURSELF IS NECESSARY to have it.

I’d like to expand on each one of these shifts and offer you questions to use for reflection about yourself. These steps may sound obvious on the surface. However, I believe that many singles never consciously take them, missing out on the power they can provide. Here’s the first one:

Whether caused by false pride or fear of failure, some singles find actually ADMITTING that they want a relationship the hardest step of all. Or they think that such an admission implies that they must have an unhappy single life – which is often not the case.

Of course it is possible to have a wonderful, satisfying life as a single person. However, if you also desire a loving relationship, your chances of having it will increase dramatically if you are able to admit that you really want it. How can another person (or the universe!) give us what we haven’t asked for? Admitting what we want opens us up to receiving it.

Before concluding that you’ve already got this one down pat, ask yourself the following questions and see what you discover:

Have I admitted (to someone other than myself) that I deeply desire a loving relationship?
Have I let myself “feel” that desire?
Do I protect myself from the disappointment of not having a relationship, by never fully admitting how much I want one?
Do I think it’s pathetic/uncool/needy to admit how much I want a relationship?
Do I find myself defending “what a great life I have…..why would I want a relationship?”
Am I too proud or embarrassed to admit that I want a relationship?

Admitting what you want will ignite your passion and determination to create it. And it will open your mind and your heart to receive it.

This wisdom of this step is often over-looked when it comes to the topic of relationship. Hope springs eternal that true love will “just happen”. However, few goals that are truly worth achieving can be accomplished without first committing to them. Despite past experience and our very best research, we can never know in advance everything that will be required of us to accomplish our goal. Our greatest achievements rarely come with a fail-safe “to-do” list of instructions. We need to commit ourselves FIRST and be open to discovering the “how” along the way.

Here are some questions to help you reflect on whether or not you’ve ever made a conscious commitment to having the relationship of your dreams:

Do I take the passive “maybe-it will-happen-I’ll-just-wait-and-see” approach to creating a relationship?
Do I view having a relationship as a matter of “luck” or “chance”?
Do I hesitate to commit to having a relationship because I might fail?
Do I hesitate to commit to having a loving relationship because I don’t know how?
Do I think it’s “unromantic” to even have to think about it?
Have I really committed to having a conscious, loving relationship?

Once you make a commitment to having the relationship you desire, the way opens to the people and resources that can empower you in having it happen.

This is the step where the rubber meets the road. Committing is one thing. DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT is another! Committing to doing whatever work on yourself is necessary, is sort of like writing a blank cheque. You don’t know what that may involve and you’re committing to do it anyway.

Although this may seem scary, it can also mark the beginning of a very exciting and satisfying personal journey! I have seen single clients improve their lives in all areas, in the process of doing their work around relationship.

Who decides what work on yourself is necessary? You do. And if you’re smart, you’ll let others support you in the process. Some of the singles I know have taken such action as:
• Reducing work hours, so there is time to date.
• Seeing a therapist to resolve a past relationship hurt.
• Signing up with an introduction service.
• Improving their dating skills and attitudes.

Every person has their own work to do. If you are committed, you can discover what you need to do and take action.

Ask yourself the following questions to find out how open or resistant you may be to doing the work on yourself that’s needed:

Do I tend to blame my past relationship failures on my partners and think that they need to work on themselves, not me?
Do I get frustrated and want to give up when I don’t get immediate results around dating?
Am I secretly hoping that I can get what I want in life without having to stretch or make changes?
Am I tired of “working on myself”?
Am I committed (really) to doing whatever work on myself is necessary to have a conscious, loving relationship?

Being committed to “doing your own work” is not only important prior to getting into relationship. It is also an essential element of ensuring that your relationship will flourish healthily in the future.

Go public with your commitment! Admit to a trusted friend that you REALLY WANT a loving, conscious relationship and you are committed to doing whatever work on yourself it will take to have it. Let them know how they can support you.

Shirley Vollett, BSW is a Life & Relationship Coach who loves to support and encourage singles in their quest to have a satisfying, successful life AND relationship.

If you are wondering what next steps you could take in your quest for a relationship, contact shirley@vollett.com to receive a free Relationship Readiness Review and a Complimentary Coaching Session with Shirley. Type “Readiness Review” in the subject line.

Shirley also offers Get Ready For Love! A Program for Singles. Find out more at www.shirley.vollett.com/singlesgetready.htm

Visit shirley.vollett.com to find out more about Shirley's coaching services.

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