consciously. Create a life that you love. Attract the loving relationship
that is "right" for you.
Topic: Freeing Yourself From Despair
will soon be upon us, so let me take this opportunity to wish you
the warmest of Seasons Greetings! May you have many moments of wonder,
gratitude and celebration with those you love.
While Christmas can be magical, it can also be a time of loneliness.
Despite the swirl of activities, as a single I remember feeling
particularly alone during the holidays. I found it challenging to
keep the faith that I, too, would one day have the relationship
May this holiday season bring you a renewed faith that you CAN have
the life and relationship of your dreams.
Life & Relationship Coach
Something to think about…
try to think positive when it comes to finding a relationship. But
let’s face it, I haven’t had a date in years…”
two failed marriages, I’m not sure I even want to try again…”
the point of getting excited about finding a relationship? I’m
afraid it’s too late for me…”
Most singles can relate to feeling sentiments like these at some point
in their dating careers. When seeking to find a committed, loving
relationship, many are stopped in their tracks by the “D”
word. You got it! DESPAIR!
In working with
single clients, I have discovered that despair is one of the biggest
obstacles that they contend with in their quest for relationship.
That’s why I think it is important to talk about this common
I believe that identifying despair is the first step to freedom
Once identified, we can learn to extract ourselves from feelings
of discouragement and despair and move forward powerfully in creating
the relationship we desire. When we don’t deal with it, despair
and hopelessness can side-line even the best-laid plans and intentions.
noticed despair can strike even the most optimistic and pro-active
single person. Before they step out the door or pick up the phone,
they are sometimes immobilized by that cynical inner voice whispering:
are you kidding?”
“Love will never happen for YOU.”
messed up every relationship you’ve ever had.”
“You’ll NEVER have a successful relationship.”
can imagine, thoughts such as these are likely to send anyone running
straight back into their apartment!
It’s not surprising that many singles are vulnerable
to moments of despair
singles that I know have experienced the painful ending of one or
more significant relationships. Such an ending may bring the fear
that you may never find another relationship, and that there is no
one out there “right” for you. Or you may fear that you
simply don’t have what it takes, to keep a relationship and
have it succeed. The older a single person is, the more “proof”
they have that it won’t work out for them.
despair means “to give up all hope or expectation”. When
you’re in despair, there is no optimism that THIS relationship
could be different, or that there IS light at the end of the relationship
tunnel. Despair feels like a box with no exit! Small wonder it sabotages
the best intentions to socialize, meet people and date!
I talk about “moments” or periods of despair, I am not
talking about chronic depression. Chronic or ongoing depression is
a much more serious condition that may require professional support
and treatment. What I am talking about are occasional bouts of inertia
and discouragement: those times when your enthusiasm fades and it
is hard to follow through on your great plans to meet people and date.
Despair can appear in many guises.
The good news is: once you’ve identified despair, YOU
HAVE A CHOICE!
You can step
back from yourself and consider your options.
You can decide if you want to remain in despair OR if you are ready
to shift your perspective and attitude. (Remember: You don’t
have to know HOW to make a shift, in order to declare your intention
to do so. By setting your intention, you open the door to discovering
ready to let go of the despair? Then give yourself permission to
feel hopeless and despairing for a LIMITED TIME: perhaps one hour
or the remainder of the day. You may find it difficult to keep it
up that long, once you realize you have a choice!
you choose to shift from despair to hope, there are things you
down the despairing thoughts you’re having can help a great
deal. For example, you might write:
hopeless that I will EVER have a relationship.
good men/women are taken.
had so many relationship failures, I’ll NEVER have one that
never have a relationship because I’m too fat/thin/shy/loud…”
out the negative beliefs underlying your despair can give you some
needed perspective and reveal how irrational they actually are.
can be helpful to write a second list, refuting each belief with a
more rational thought. For example, in response to the above comments
you might write:
Just because I haven’t found a partner yet, doesn’t mean
I never will.
There are many singles out there and I only need one!
I’ve grown through those failed relationships and learned many
valuable lessons that will serve me in the next relationship.
Lots of fat/thin/shy/loud people have successful relationships.
Once you reveal
the irrationality of those negative beliefs, they simply don’t
hold the same sway over your feelings.
Now you can focus
on cultivating an attitude of faith and optimism, to replace those
unwanted feelings of despair.
I love how Daphne
Rose Kingma puts it in her wonderful book Finding True Love: “…believing
love awaits you means giving up again and again all the reasons you
have for feeling that falling in love could never happen to you.”
Sometimes we have a long list to let go of!
let despair side-line YOUR hopes and dreams for a wonderful relationship!
You have the power to name despair for what it is – and to challenge
its’ faulty thinking.
of planning your holiday experience, so you are less likely to drift
into despair. What will recharge your batteries? What blend of activities
will nurture you? When do you want to be with others? When do you
choose to be alone? Think ahead about those special dates (Christmas
Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve) and consciously decide
how and with whom you want to spend those times. Then set it up!
Vollett, BSW is a Life & Relationship Coach who loves to support
and encourage singles in their quest to have a satisfying, successful
life AND relationship.
you are wondering what next steps you could take in your quest for
a relationship, contact email@example.com
to receive a free Relationship Readiness Review and a Complimentary
Coaching Session with Shirley. Type “Readiness Review”
in the subject line.
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© 2005 by Shirley Vollett.
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