Issue #09 | Febuary 2007

Live consciously. Create a life that you love. Attract the loving relationship that is "right" for you.

Today’s Topic: Relationship Resources: Why don’t we use them?

Dear friends,

Valentine’s Day is upon us. Whether we’re in or out of a relationship at this moment in time, this “day for lovers” is a prompt for everyone to reflect on their relationship to love.

Let’s get past the commercialism of this day and use it as an opportunity to re-commit ourselves to the expression of love in our lives. Love is not limited to romantic relationships. When we open ourselves to love, we open ourselves to our connection with ALL beings.

Shirley Vollett, BSW
Life & Relationship Coach

Something to think about…

We all need help and support in our relationships, and it’s not beneath our dignity to ask. In fact, the most courageous among us are the ones who can most easily ask for help.
-- Barry & Joyce Vissell

Resources abound for those who are committed to the goal of relationship.
Dating books, internet dating services, matchmakers, introduction services and personal ads all seek to help people connect with prospective partners. And if you need assistance in developing the skills and attitudes than will help you be successful in relationship, there are many self-help books, workshops, courses, therapists, counselors and coaches to choose from.

However despite the importance of a primary relationship to most singles, it seems that many are reluctant to seek assistance in finding a partner. I have seen many resourceful, pro-active individuals hesitate to reach out for help or guidance in this important area. Yet these same individuals wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to seek help in relation to their work or business, or a problem with their car.

What stops singles from utilizing the many resources that are available?

For many years, I was one of those singles who failed to reach out for help. I floundered for more than a decade, making poor choices in relationship and wondering why things weren’t working out for me.

Eventually I took the step of 1) admitting there must be something I didn’t know about having a successful relationship and 2) seeking help from someone who did know. Taking that step to seek help led me out of my confusion and into a relationship which has lasted more than 20 years.

I have observed four attitudes that can keep singles stuck in doing-it-alone and failing to access the help and support that is available:.

1) I don’t want to admit that I don’t know.

Are you a highly accomplished professional or business person, who is very good at what you do? The more successful you are in your work life, the greater the difficulty you may have in admitting that you don’t know how to succeed in relationship. It simply doesn’t fit your successful self-image.

Your thinking may go, “If I’m so successful in my work then I SHOULD know how to be equally successful in relationship.” However, professional success doesn’t always translate into relationship success. It takes humility to admit what you don’t know, especially if you think you SHOULD.

2) Only losers need help.

This obstacle goes hand and hand with #1. Many singles fear that others see them as losers in the relationship game. What’s worse, they may secretly see themselves as losers too.

What would people think if I have to get help to find a relationship?
Shouldn’t I just “know” how to do this?
What’s the matter with me anyway?

The reluctance to ask for help is widespread, and is not confined to singles. I read about a study of married couples, who had sought marital counseling because of relationship difficulties. I found it astonishing that couples had waited (on average) SEVEN YEARS from the onset of the problem, before they sought help. So this reluctance to admit problems and get help has big costs in or out of relationship!

In our culture it is generally viewed as smart to seek help in areas where you lack expertise. No one would discourage you from seeking a doctor if you were ill, a mechanic if you had car problems, or a roofer if your house was leaking. Unfortunately, we generally feel less comfortable seeking help in the matters of the heart. Yet what area has a greater impact on our happiness?

3) It's too vunerable to admit that I want a relationship.

The first step in realizing any goal is to first admit that there is something you desire. Many singles sound very cavalier when it comes to relationship.

“If it happens, it happens.”
“I used to want a partner but now I don’t really care anymore.”
“Relationships always end in divorce now anyways.”

Such statements can be a cover-up for a deeply held desire that has met with disappointment and frustration.

Letting up your desire for a relationship is a very courageous act, especially when you don’t know how to get there. It is bound to be accompanied by feelings of vulnerability. In fact, feelings of vulnerability are probably a sign that you are on the right track! Vulnerability is a big part of intimacy.

4) I can’t afford help.

This is always the clincher when people are looking at investing in themselves. For many it is challenging to spend money on “intangibles”, such as love, or peace of mind. It’s somehow easier to spend money on things you can touch and see, even if those things are much less likely to bring you the happiness that so-called “intangibles” will.

Once the basic necessities of life are covered, then everything else we spend our money on is a reflection of what is truly important to us. If you think you can’t afford to spend money on having a successful relationship, you may want to re-evaluate the expenditures that you deem are more important. And ask yourself, “Are they REALLY?”

Regardless of your situation, there is a resource that can help.

Resources abound to assist us in having the quality of life and relationships we desire. There are websites, books, counselors, workshops, coaches, friends and family members, all with much to offer. From low-cost to high-cost alternatives, select the ones that will work and feel “right” for you. Ask for help and you may be amazed at what transpires.

Here are some easy-access, low-cost resources to get you started:

These resources are provided courtesy of David Steele, the founder of the Relationship Coaching Institute. (I’m a member coach of RCI.) David is committed to providing relationship coaching, education and resources to a wide audience. He offers a wealth of free and low-cost resources to his on-line subscriber community. Here is a sample: This site has numerous resources for singles. You can sign up for a monthly newsletter for singles, with articles and an advice column. You will also be informed of monthly free teleseminars for singles. Note: The seminar for March 1, 2007 is: Conscious Dating For Boomers: Finding Love After 50. Email me for details is you can’t find the info you need.

www.partnersinlife.orgThis site has numerous resources for couples in all stages of relationship. You can sign up for a monthly newsletter. Subscribers can attend a free monthly teleseminar with various relationship experts and/or authors. Each seminar features a different topic with a different expert. This site has a podcast library of relationship teleseminars that have been held in the past. You can browse the site and listen to those that interest you.


Shirley Vollett, BSW is a Life & Relationship Coach who loves to support and encourage singles in their quest to have a satisfying, successful life AND relationship.

Shirley offers Get Ready For Love! A Program for Singles. Clarify your vision for your life & relationship. Then strategize how to make it happen. Read more at

Contact to receive your free Relationship Readiness Review and a Complimentary Coaching Session with Shirley.

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Copyright © 2007 by Shirley Vollett.
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