Issue #01 | June 2005


Today’s Topic: Ready for a relationship? REALLY?

Dear friends,

I am excited to be launching the first in a series of newsletters for singles designed to support and inspire you to:

live consciously
create a life that you love and
attract the loving relationship that is “right” for you.

I’ll be sharing ideas, wisdom, tips and resources to empower you in living your life to the fullest and in having a conscious, loving relationship.

This newsletter will come out on a periodic basis and I’d be delighted if you would forward it to any single friends or acquaintances whom you think it would interest.

I also welcome comments and feed-back. If you don’t wish to receive the newsletter, please follow the instructions at the end to unsubscribe.

Shirley Vollett, BSW
Life & Relationship Coach

Something to think about…

“Many are not ready for commitment for a variety of reasons, but they don't want to be alone, and so they date to find a partner anyway. When their dating strategy doesn't align with their readiness status, these singles unconsciously set themselves up for failure, complicating their lives and those of their dating partners.” –David Steele

Are you ready for a relationship?

Because the desire to be in a loving relationship is often so deep and strong, it takes courage and awareness to ask yourself: Am I really READY for a relationship?

You may already feel impatient that the relationship of your dreams has not yet materialized. Any suggestion that you might have to wait even longer -- especially if you have been waiting a long time -- is difficult to entertain.

However, the reality is that many singles may WANT a relationship without really having their lives and their emotions READY to attract and support one. I often see this in my coaching work and I experienced it myself as a single person.

Many people come to coaching impatient that Mr. or Ms. Right hasn’t shown up yet. “What is the hold-up?” they wonder. “Why isn’t it happening for me?”

Some are angry: “Why don’t I have a mate? So-and-so is married and I have a lot more going for me than him/her!”
Some are resigned: “I did the clubs and the internet dating scene and I’m still not meeting anyone. Why bother?”
Some have descended into negativity turned inward: “There must be something wrong with ME.”

If you haven’t found the relationship you desire, perhaps there is another reason.

Rather than assume something is wrong (with you OR the universe), it may be more helpful to consider that perhaps you’re not READY for the relationship you desire. And the fact that it hasn’t occurred, is simply a reflection of your readiness.

When I was single, I remember how liberating it was for me to let go of my insistence that I was ready for a relationship. This paved the way for a huge shift in perspective.

Up until then, I was certain that I was ready -- and I would have taken exception to anyone who suggested otherwise. Goodness knows I had done many things to prepare myself. I had ended a long-standing entanglement. I’d let go of those “fall-back” relationships with men that I knew really weren’t right for me. I had decided I wouldn’t get involved with anyone that I didn’t think was a potential partner – no more dead-end flings. Surely I was READY!

Yet guess what? Mr. Right had not materialized, despite my confidence. I was frustrated and bewildered.

Then it dawned on me that I might have it all backward. Maybe I’d know I was ready when I was actually IN the relationship. And if I wasn’t yet IN the relationship, perhaps that was a sign that I wasn’t yet ready! What a thought!

This perspective gave me a lot of freedom.
If I was not yet in a relationship, then there must be more getting ready to do! GETTING READY became the focus, rather than bemoaning the fact that my partner had not shown up.

At first I was not sure what more was needed to be ready. However, I was now open to looking. I became receptive to seeing what further changes I might want to make in my life and I got to work on those. (Improving my financial situation was what showed up for me to focus on. I realized that if I wanted to ATTRACT a financially prosperous and responsible partner, then I’d better make sure that I was BEING the kind of financially responsible person I wanted to attract.)

It wasn’t long after this shift in focus and action, that my soon-to-be husband appeared in my life. Only then, did I conclude that I was READY!

Of course, every single person is already Ready, to some degree.

Everything you’ve experienced up to this point in your life will contribute to your next relationship. The following questions can help you identify your readiness strengths:

What positive attitudes about relationship do you bring?
What areas are working well in your life and would contribute to a solid foundation for a relationship?
What are your personal strengths?
What skills do you have or what have you learned that will help you succeed in relationship?
What other supports and relationships in your life would contribute positively to the success of your relationship?

Once you’ve identified your readiness strengths, you may be open to looking at how you could improve your readiness.
The following questions may help you to reflect:

What area or areas in your life are causing you problems or worry that might affect a relationship?
Is there anything that could interfere with your availability in a relationship?
Are you free and clear of past relationships – legally and emotionally?
Is your work so demanding that you have little time for a relationship?
Do you have difficulty communicating or setting boundaries with others?
Are you happy with your life and not seeking a relationship out of “neediness” ?
Once you’ve identified the ways that you could improve your readiness for relationship, you have a blueprint for taking action.

Focusing on your relationship readiness will give you a positive focus for your energy, as opposed to feeling impatient and frustrated. And as you enhance your readiness for relationship, you will become MUCH MORE ATTRACTIVE in the process!

Invitation to action

Use the questions listed above to reflect on your relationship readiness.
Select an area from your life which could use some improvement (your work, your finances, your communication skills, your health, etc. ). Identify an action step that you could take in this area and do it. As your relationship readiness improves, so will your attractiveness.

Shirley Vollett, BSW is a Life & Relationship Coach who loves to support and encourage singles in their quest to have a satisfying, successful life AND relationship.

If you’d like to further explore your own relationship readiness, contact to receive a free Relationship Readiness Review and a Complimentary Coaching Session with Shirley. Type “Readiness Review” in the subject line.

Find out more about Shirley’s Get Ready For Love! Program for Singles at

Visit to find out more about Shirley and her coaching services. If you are reading this for the first time and wish to subscribe, email and put Subscribe in the subject line.

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