consciously. Create a life that you love. Attract the loving relationship
that is "right" for you.
Topic: Making Space For Love
the fall season underway, the pace seems to be quickening for everyone.
As life gets busier, I am reminded of how important it is to re-commit
to my own self-care. Whether it’s going to the gym, eating
healthy or spending time with a good friend, my self-care habits
support and sustain my personal well-being.
I also believe there is a connection between self-care and being
open to love. If I’m frazzled and harried, I am much less
receptive to opportunities of relationship and love. Relating and
“being” take place on a different level than production
and to-do lists. If I want to experience more love and relationship
in my life, I need to create an inviting, still place where love
can enter. Good self-care paves the way.
Life & Relationship Coach
Something to think about…
and intimacy are virtually incompatible. When you are preoccupied
with anxiety or exhausted from over commitment, you can’t
be available to become fully invested in the welfare of another
human being. And you can’t find the unstructured, leisurely
time in which intimate relationships thrive.”
-Susan Page from If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still
Is there space in your life for love?
a single client of mine expressed real frustration with the fact that
she was STILL not in a relationship. Then she went on to talk about
how overworked she felt and how she could never find a moment of time
for herself, and for the things that she loved doing. She felt frazzled,
burned-out and discouraged.
saw work and relationship as separate areas of complaint. So she was
surprised when I suggested that maybe there was a connection between
them. It seemed to me that her lack of relationship was at least partially
related to her lack of time and space for herself and her own self-care.
Not only was there no time for herself, but there was no time for
a relationship either!
is not unique. Many of us find it challenging to create time to take
good care of ourselves.
there was a man in my life, I’d MAKE time,” she insisted.
However, I believe that if she waits for a man to show up BEFORE she
makes time, she may be waiting a long while! I think she needs to
apply the “first-make-space” principle.
The “first-make-space” principle goes like this:
If you desire something, first create a space or vacuum in your life
for what you desire. Then, what you desire will be drawn to you. (The
most common example of this principle is the suggestion that if you
want to attract a new wardrobe, first clean out your closet and get
rid of old and unwanted clothes. This creates a vacuum for a new wardrobe.)
people have discovered that “making space” or creating
a vacuum is a very effective starting point in attracting what you
desire into your life. My client was waiting for a man to show up,
before creating any room or space for him to show up into. Far from
creating a vacuum, her lifestyle was actually signaling, “Stay
away! I’m too stressed and full-up already!”
So what can this single do?
I invited her to challenge her justifications for her stress and
“It’s just the way my job is.”
“Every body has stress.”
“You don’t know my boss!”
noticed there are always abundant reasons NOT to take the time and
space we need to care for ourselves. In this day and age it almost
seems stylish to be skirting burn-out. It’s as if we are all
competing for the title of “Most Stressed and Overworked”.
if we were to seek instead the title of “Most happy with the
pace of my life?” or “More time to myself this week
than I needed?” I believe we need to give up stress as a badge
I encouraged my client to make a commitment to her own self-care
and well-being. This means cultivating the habits and activities
that would have her be at her best, with the energy and inspiration
to express her gifts into her work AND her relationships.
Self-care is a very personal thing.
doesn’t look the same for everyone. So it is important that
my client develop the habits and practices that will work for her.
For one person, a quiet walk in the woods might be the quintessential
self-care act, while for another it might be an afternoon of power-shopping,
or a good long run. My client got excited as we began to explore
ideas about what really nurtures HER -- physically, emotionally,
mentally and spiritually. She then set out to create some time and
space in her day and week to do it.
she follows through on her commitment to improve her self-care,
not only will her quality of life improve. I believe she will exude
positive energy to attract and maintain the loving relationship
that she desires.
I think we all understand the benefits of good self-care.
many of us have found that the practice isn’t always so
easy. If you, like my client, know that you want and need to take
better care of yourself OR if you feel trapped in a stressful
lifestyle, here are some tips:
Commit to better self-care, even if you don’t see how
to do it.
Don’t give in to the despair that nothing can change. Others
have transformed their lifestyle of over-working and stress, and
you can too.
Take small steps.
Identify one new self-care practice (or reclaim a former practice)
that you want to incorporate into your day or week. Choose something
do-able, not impossible, so that you increase your chances for
success. Do it for 3 weeks. Behavioural research has shown that
it takes 21 days to form a new habit. Then it becomes self-reinforcing.
3) Make friends with your guilt.
When we begin to take care of ourselves at a new level, we may
experience feelings of discomfort and even guilt. Perhaps we are
encountering old attitudes that tell us taking care of ourselves
is somehow “selfish” or we fear becoming “lazy”
or “spoiled”. Feeling a little guilty may in fact
be a good sign, indicating that you are stepping out of your habitual
style of overwork and stress.
Celebrate even the smallest of “wins” with supportive
Give yourself a big pat on the back each time you do something
nurturing and healthy for yourself. Share your progress with a
supportive friend or family member. Or invite someone to be a
“support buddy” with whom you can share a commitment
to self-care and celebrate victories.
take better care of yourself, I predict you will feel happier, less
needy and more loving. And you will have increased your capacity to
attract and welcome a loving relationship into your life.
Use the steps
above to incorporate one additional self-care practice into your
daily or weekly schedule. Begin meditating, get back to the gym,
clean up your diet, block out some weekly “creative time”.
Identify something that will truly nurture you – and do it.
Vollett, BSW is a Life & Relationship Coach who loves to support
and encourage singles in their quest to have a satisfying, successful
life AND relationship.
you are wondering what next steps you could take in your quest for
a relationship, contact email@example.com
to receive a free Relationship Readiness Review and a Complimentary
Coaching Session with Shirley. Type “Readiness Review”
in the subject line.
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© 2005 by Shirley Vollett.
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